Sunday Message: Mistake Men Make In Marriage

Recently, I wrote on mistakes women make in marriages. Today, by popular demand from women, I want us to look at those little mistakes which are often times ignored by men. Yes, men feel they are no issues, but these things are canker-worms, eating down thriving and promising relationships.

Becoming a king
A good number of men automatically assert a leadership role in the marriage rather than work at an equal partnership. Many believe that nature has assigned the role of headship to a man; I am one of those who speak for the headship of the man in every relationship because I believe that is the way God wants it.

I thank God for those men who have conquered this ego and taken out time to really understand what it means to be the head.

These men have grown to accept the fact that the head cannot move without the neck. But to a typical Nigerian man, the woman must become a robot if she wants to stay married. In our contemporary world, however, with women becoming more educated and joining the workforce, this system of male dominance can ultimately build resentment into the marriage. It’s not that a man shouldn’t be the king, but there should be space for both individuals to discuss, compromise, and, in turn, impact on the family kingdom. Your wife must become your partner if things have to work out well.

Hiding financial facts
The person in control of money in a relationship has relatively more power than the one who doesn’t. “Money is another opportunity for shared experience and women who feel cut off from knowing about the finances feel threatened and therefore less loved and connected.”
When women feel less love and connection, they, in turn, begin to withdraw their affections. For a woman to be happy in a marriage, she needs to feel safe, valued, and appreciated; she needs to feel like her husband trusts her with his heart and his bank account and if this is not the case, and there is a lack of safety in the relationship to discuss matters openly, then there are deeper issues at play that warrant a discussion.

You cannot claim to love a woman while hiding your bank details from her. I know that there are women who spend carelessly and wait for that little opportunity to carry your money to her relations. But I also know that there are very many good women who would be more useful and wiser when they know your worth. Women, naturally, are better managers. Why call her your wife when younger brother is your next of kin? Is she your wife when you buy properties in your brother’s name? You believe that brother of yours loves you eh? You will know how much he hates you the very day you go down the grave.

Selfishness in the bedroom
In the bedroom, men forget that their wives often need more than they do to get in the mood and the idea that men enjoy sex while women provide it is a common assumption. Why would a wife continue to want to be intimate with a partner who disregards her needs? The answer is simple – she wouldn’t. If you haven’t succeeded in getting your wife to open up and tell you anything in her mind, you are yet to become a husband. A conversation about sexual needs should be addressed outside the bedroom, at a time when both people are calm, relaxed and receptive to ideas; don’t discuss this when it’s time for lovemaking.

To a woman, sex is more than the penetration and banging. You must stop trusting in your macho and big sized penis because that may not matter to a woman who wants to be sexually satisfied. You must be making a mistake if you believe that your ex girlfriend liked it from the back and so every woman must like it from the back; it’s possible she wants it from the side.

Many marriages are struggling in this regard and due to the kind of society we live in, women are seen as prostitutes once they complain about this. Your wife shouldn’t just be reading about orgasm; she must experience it continuously to be a happy woman. Don’t forget; orgasm helps keep her pelvic muscles in good shape, to your own benefit.

Comparing her to your mother and elder sister
Wives are not mothers; husbands and wives should each be self-responsible. The truth is that no one will ever be like your mother or father and it is unrealistic to have this expectation of one another. And if you want her to become your mother, would you also allow her to do the controlling and nagging that mothers often do?


Would you allow her to start treating you like a son instead of her husband? It hurts a woman when her husband begins to compare her with another woman.

She must not cook the way your mothers cooked because she wasn’t raised by your mother. It is important for both parties to know and express to each other how they feel most loved and nurtured, without expectations for having to be like the mother or father.


Lack of meaningful communication
Do you remember getting to know your wife when you were dating? When was the last time you just spent time talking with her, not to her. Ask what her dreams are; where she would like to go on vacation; what good book she has read lately. A good number of Nigerian men talk to their wife, but never get to talk with her. That you wake up with her every morning isn’t a reason not to share her world with her.

You only give out orders to your domestic staff-your wife and that is it. If she is not your domestic staff (even your domestic staff wants to be talked with but please don’t talk with your female staff), when was the last time you had a heart-to-heart talk with your wife?

When was the last time you took her to a quiet place, away from the children just to have her pour out her heart to you? If you don’t do this, chances are she may start talking to someone else and that someone could become a threat to your marriage. Women love to talk and they enjoy it when their man succeeds in getting them to talk.

Involving family in your problems
Families remember negatives no matter how many positives there are. Once you go to your family to discuss your wife, they will forever hold it against her. When you have issues with your wife, please learn to resolve it among yourselves or better still, get a professional counsellor involved. Never take your private matters to your parents or siblings. You will forget when it’s resolved, but they will never forget.

Forgetting that you are more than just parents; you are lovers
Continue to date and fall in love. What has happened to those love poems you always wrote to her? What has happened to those vacation spots you took her to while you courted? Never allow the spark go off in your marriage.

Rekindle it today. Every woman wants that man who will make her feel like a teenager all over again. You must get to the point where your woman becomes a teenager all over again. Please don’t make her to age before time. Even at old age, there should be fun in the home.



LOW SELF-ESTEEM
This is one disease that has continued to squeeze life out of many relationships. The woman has a good job but you want her to sit at home and be useless simply because you feel you can take care of her. Sir, a woman needs to exercise her brain. Your children turn out better when they have a mother who is a challenge to them; they get inspired to succeed more.

Deal with your low self-esteem. That you hear stories of women going to prostitute in Dubai, USA, and UK (I saw it and have written about it) doesn’t mean your wife is as useless as they are. That women get to the top with their body doesn’t mean your wife will get there the same way. Give her some break and help make her career successful.

Lastly, this is funny but true. Your big stomach could be pushing her away. It is no longer a sign of wealth; it’s now a sign of sickness and careless lifestyle.
C’mon, let the love come back to your home. Correct those mistakes and don’t forget; you need God more than everything else.







Source: Amara Blessing