Relationships: Lessons Learned From My Most Difficult Break Up

(Proverbs 20:30)”Blows that hurt cleanse away evil, As do stripes the inner depths of the heart.”

The hands down most difficult break up I’ve had was with my almost 5 years relationship.

Imagine talking, eating, practically breathing and coexisting with another person 24/7 for 5 years then suddenly putting an end to it. It’s like those 5 years of your life became meaningless or non-existent.

Imagine someone punching a huge hole in your heart. I’ve never felt so empty and so lost after that. I questioned everything. I never looked at the world the same way again. What happened after that was kind of a blur I could barely remember details. All I remember now was that I was so full of hate at first. I lashed out at this person and hurl every expletive and insult I could think of for as long as I could.
It was a dark dark time. I was at my worst monstrous state. Until I grew tired of it. Then I remember praying desperately trying to be in God’s presence. I couldn’t pray. I didn’t know what to say. I just asked God to let me be in His presence, allow me to be with Him though I couldn’t feel Him. Let Him embrace me in my numbness. I held my rosary beads every night without saying a word.

That’s when I understood the true meaning of prayer. It’s not the words we say, the prayers we memorized or repeatedly utter, it’s communing with God even in silence. It’s  knowing that He’s there, when you need Him, even when you don’t want Him. It’s simply being in His presence.

I wrote down how I felt. I talked about it with people who I know will not judge me despite my wrong decisions. I kept attending prayer meetings even when I was at my numbest that I couldn’t make sense of what I was hearing. I tried to avoid familiar places although that’s quite impossible because 5 years of togetherness means walking almost every street you know together. So I just let things be. I focused on work, juggled 3 jobs, tried to enjoy being with friends. I tried living without this other part of me. And I lived.

It was an excruciating experience, probably the worst because I was at my lowest. It taught me a lot though. It made me independent. It made me more cautious, more sensitive towards others, more empathetic, more charitable to those who are suffering, wiser, stronger, more appreciative, and most of all… more desperate for God.

I climbed the mountain that I thought was blocking me from the life I used to know. And it gave me the most beautiful view I could ever ask for. I never saw the world the same way again.





Written By Lux Ganzon for The Praying Woman