Listening to my favourite station, 92.3 Inspiration FM, a woman called asking why her husband should be demanding sex when he has failed in his duty as a husband-providing for the home.
I was lost at first as I wondered why a woman would reason that way. But it didn’t take long for me to look at it from her own perspective.
As a married person, you have no reason to deny your spouse sex. Your husband was providing before he lost his source of income. I know that it can be frustrating for a woman to assume the role of a man in the home. I know that some men get their wife to that point where she feels like sex doesn’t matter. The man, while making money, ignores the wife’s need for intimacy and now that he is jobless and wanting more sex, she is not in the mood for all that.
People, we must learn to keep it balanced and understand our spouse. A good number of women have little or no desire for sex in their childbearing years and that is when men want more of it. The man, if not careful, goes on rampage and wastes his strength and substance.
After childbearing years, the woman’s desire for sex heightens and that is when the man is unable to perform his matrimonial duties. Such men now resort to engaging teenagers and young girls who perform all that magic on them without them doing much. If care is not taken, the woman looks for a younger man to satisfy her desire for intimacy.
This said, no one has the right to deny each other sex. The fact remains that sex should be a binding factor in marriage and not a stumbling block. Sex, instead of creating problems in our homes, should bring healing and solutions to problems. Couples should help each other not to see sex as yet another house chore. How then do we do this?
Always have it in mind that your body ceases to be solely yours that very moment you sign the dotted lines; that moment your father collects the bride price from his family; that very second you promised to take her as your wedded wife. You can no longer claim ownership of that body. So many of us are yet to truly understand the meaning of marriage. I have heard married women and men tell their spouse that they give their body only when they feel like it. You may not always feel like it but you have to feel like it. Many have also used spirituality to kill their sex life. You sleep in the church a nd fast from week to week, ignoring your spouse. Your first ministry is your home, your spouse comes first. Even Apostle Paul warned married couples against spending too much time in fasting and prayer. He warned us against letting the Devil in through that very door.
If you are married and suddenly your husband loses his job, I know it’s not easy for you. I know that nature has not given you that role. I know that it can be very ugly seeing yourself the provider instead of the helper. I don’t care how many excuses we make for this kind of life, the fact remains that nature has not made the woman a provider, she is a helper. But what can you do? You have to brace up, be strong, and face that very challenge of life. Don’t let your new position take away the feminine part of you. His being jobless is not a good enough reason to deny him sex.
And my dear brother, you have to help that woman. You have to stop adding to her stress. You have to put yourself in her shoes and feel her pain. You have to stop demanding for sex every night. You stay at home from morning till night while she works from 8am to 6pm and all you do is remind her that it’s your conjugal right and the next day you are out there with stories to her family and yours that she now sleeps around; this isn’t fair.
And who knows? It’s possible your wife is avoiding sex because you have turned it to hard-work for her. Someone recently told me how she dreads sex because a good number of Nigerian men believe that good sex is about the banging and macho. My brothers, it’s possible your woman isn’t interested in that banging and hey; she has to preserve her body and make it good for you for a long time. If you go on with the excessive bangs and all that, she may not be the woman you would want few years from now. Forget about what you see those porn stars do; she is your wife and wants real intimacy with you. It should be nothing short of lovemaking. You can actually make her feel loved and cherished; you can make her feel like a woman; you can help her experience orgasm without the banging, that’s what she wants.
I once counseled a woman who lamented over her sex life. Her husband reported her to me for not wanting to have sex with him. As we spoke, she told me that her husband would always blackmail her into giving him a blow job but when she asks for same, the man remains her that he is a titled chief and shouldn’t do such. I had to ask certain questions to be sure she keeps her Southern Hemisphere clean. When I met again with the man, I was able to change his mindset of carrying chieftaincy title into the bedroom. Whatever you want your wife to do for you must be done for her. If you won’t give oral sex, please don’t ask for it. Thank God they are now happy with their sex life.
Sex shouldn’t be seen as another house chore. Wives, keep your self clean and be willing and ready to seduce your husband. Husband, be willing and ready to love and cherish her body. Don’t waste your substance. Don’t forget; it’s no longer “My” body; it is now “Our” body.
Written By Amara Blessing
